A New Year: Resolutions, Realizations, and Adventure

I have never liked making resolutions. It’s not that I don’t have goals and expectations for myself—I do. However, making New Year’s resolutions has always made me anxious, because I worry that I won’t meet my goals and will be disappointed in myself. I’m the type of person who likes to be in control of everything, doesn’t like to fail, and I often compare myself to my able-bodied peers…which leads me to feeling disappointed. Basically, the entire thought process is negative, a waste of time and energy, and unhelpful.

Recently, I had a conversation with someone who was saying her husband feared failing, but she believed that he should push himself in his career instead of holding back for fear of failure. “I’ve failed so much, I’ve learned to make something great out of it every time,” she said with a laugh.

I thought that her comment was honest, and brave, and I wanted to have that attitude, too.

I'm a sucker for notebooks/planners, and this looked like a good reminder to focus on progress, not perfection.

It’s been almost six years since I’ve gotten sick, and I’ve had to learn to readjust my expectations and be honest with myself. I have achieved many goals, exceeded my expectations, and I have also stumbled, fallen, and failed, because I’m human. I don’t want to hold myself back from anything in life, and I realize failure is normal, healthy in some ways, and I judge no one else as harshly as myself.

I started 2018 by doing something very unusual: I took an impromptu(ish) trip with my mom to surprise my aunt for her birthday. We flew across the country and surprised her in San Francisco, and the next day, we went to Laguna Beach.

It was basically the most beautiful place ever.

The trip itself was tiring, but so incredibly rewarding. My mom and I kept saying, “I can’t believe we’re here!” It was so much fun to spend time with my aunt. My uncle did an amazing job setting everything up. We explored a bit, relaxed, and took in the beauty of our surroundings.

While taking a trip isn’t necessarily a risk, it did show me that pushing myself and putting myself out there can lead to amazing things. My chronic illness is always in the back of my mind, but my focus was on enjoying everything, and I did!

So, in the spirit of living life fully, not fearing failure, and trusting that I can achieve great things (at my own pace, sometimes differently than others), I made several goals:

• Keep showing up—as a friend, as a citizen, as an advocate. Don’t feel guilty for showing up, for being loud, for fighting for others and myself; as my heart breaks over injustice, I remember Jesus’ anger over suffering. Showing up means fighting for what is right, turning anger into action, and loving, loving, loving others.

• Find a job that I don’t hate that I enjoy, and don’t beat myself up if it’s part-time, because my pace and path is my own.

• Make people’s lives happier! Compliment others, be kind, smile.

• Don’t criticize myself so harshly, and don’t compare myself to others.

• Be authentic self. I am learning, growing, and I trust those I love will be happy for me.

2018 has gone well thus far. I’m grateful for the opportunity I had to start the year in such a beautiful place with family, and I look forward to seeing what the new year brings!